My in-laws live with us now and it’s been almost 2 years since they’ve arrived from Cuba. The first year was challenging, so I will share with you my experience of everything I went through such as boundaries, communication issues, speaking to my spouse and the “pros and cons” of having in-laws living with us.
Maybe if you’re looking to have your in-laws live you, hopefully, this can inspire you to give some insight.
The idea of having my Cuban in-laws live with us..
Let’s start from the beginning of how we decided to have my in-laws live with us. Back when my husband and I got married in 2015 he mentioned an idea of having his parents live with us in the near future since they were getting older.
I wasn’t all the way on board with it since I didn’t know what it would entail, however, I’ve ALWAYS wanted to help his parents no matter what.
If you don’t know about Cuba, the conditions aren’t so great and I figured why not help his parents live a better life as they got older and they can enjoy seeing their grandkids instead of being on FaceTime.
A lot of Latino/Hispanic families …well basically families all over the world traditionally live with family members in one household, maybe 3+ generations!
Compared to the US, we have nursing homes where other people can take care of your parents for a price and you wouldn’t have to lift a finger!
It seems like a good deal (for some) but with the cost of living rising, many families just can’t afford that.
So I figured OK, the immigration process may take some years for them to get approved so that would allow us some time to figure out our living situation when they do come to the US.
His dad stayed with us for 6 months in Los Angeles so it was a preview of what I would experience in the future. I also visited his parents in Cuba a few times so I’ve been acquainted with them before.
The arrival of my in-laws inch closer..
I find out that I’m pregnant in June of 2018. We started the home buying process to get everything together for Luna’s arrival and his parents. We also find out my in-laws immigration process was coming to a close and they were able to get their visas approved. My husband and I were excited as we found a perfect home that had enough space to accommodate them and our baby.
I always imagined having my in-laws at the house playing with their grand kids and traveling to California to see my brother in-law and his kids. This was my husband’s dream as he’s been living here for 20+ years and wanted to have his parents live here.
He would travel to Cuba every year to visit for a few weeks and would feel bad about leaving them back home.
So to see him happy and knowing that his parents were at the final stretch of coming to the US was SUPER exciting!
Then Luna was born in February 2019 and within one week of having her, my in-laws arrive from Cuba.
Let’s say it wasn’t everything I imagined in the beginning… soo many things were happening to me that I had no clue what I was going through.
Creating Boundaries with In-laws and Being a New Mom
After having my daughter for a week, I went through a period of roller-coaster hormones.
The baby blues, anxiety, anger, sleep deprivation, all things that most moms feel (some, not all) as they have a newborn.
I really did not know what sleep deprivation felt like until having my daughter.
I always tell people it feels like going to a crowded day club in Las Vegas, drinking a ton of alcohol, and then getting a huge hangover that you will NEVER recover from. Yep my best explanation.
I was transitioning, just learning to be a mom so there was a lot of change and I had to get into a whole new routine that I wasn’t used to.
My mother was with me and she helped for a bit and so did my mother in law but you know how moms are, they like to do their thing vs. how you would like to do it.
So it was a bit of tug of war on what I wanted vs. what they (mom and mother in law) wanted to handle the baby.
This is when I learned that I had to create boundaries.
This is very NECESSARY for your sanity and you need to make it known that you are the mom and it is YOUR child. Yes, they are the grandparents, but once you let things slide it will eventually become a problem and you will start to become resentful and take it out on other people especially your spouse.
I know there weren’t ill intentions and they were excited about the baby, but I realized that’s just how grandmothers are… a bit over controlling…which I didn’t see coming.
Communication Differences with In-laws
Since my in-laws are Cuban, we both had to learn how to adapt to each other’s ways of doing things in the house and most of the time it was difficult because we couldn’t understand each other.
I’ve learned most of my Spanish from watching novellas on Netflix so I can understand a bit more when someone speaks to me, but it has to be slowly (unless I have a mojito ha!). I know enough just to pass by and order something at the market.
Most of the time, there would be misunderstandings because of the language barrier.
I knew some Spanish, but my MIL would speak so fast that I couldn’t understand and would get frustrated at me when I didn’t know what she was saying…. so that really drove a wedge in the house.
I’ve used google translator on my phone so that we can communicate but sometimes it doesn’t pick up dialect and then we would end up using our hands or point at something like we are playing charades.
I don’t mind learning a new language as it’s great to know more than one language.
I would get really uncomfortable when they would ask me things and I couldn’t figure it out at the moment, while holding a baby and trying to do another thing at the same time.
Learning the language will definitely help so that’s what I’ve been doing lately with some Spanish apps.
So if you’re in a situation where the language barrier and customs are different for your family, I advise you to speak to your spouse and always have open communication. It’s key!
Also be open to these new things, for me it was learning their religion and language but initially it was a bit overwhelming and complicated. It takes time and it gets better.
Talking to my spouse
Keeping everything inside and dealing with family problems yourself from your spouse won’t solve anything.
I’ve always been the type to deal with any issues myself but it got to the point that I couldn’t handle keeping these issues I had with his parents to myself anymore.
Even if it would hurt your spouse’s feelings, you don’t want to keep these emotions running through you in a negative way.
I would get stomach pains and my chest would have a lot of pressure because I would be so mad that I couldn’t explain anything. I would talk to myself in the bathroom (ha!) or even talk to my friends about it but never spoke to my spouse since I felt like he wasn’t understanding.
Once I opened up about my concerns, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and he understood where I was coming from. Thank god.
Something just came over me and I just had an urge to explain everything, even if it was painful to say it bluntly.
It’s funny how I majored in Communication and I know Communication resolution techniques but when it came to dealing with my spouse and in laws I kind of forgot!
Then I remembered what I learned, applied it and that’s when I was like duh Michelle! You need to be clear!
That’s when I learned that I have to say everything bluntly for him to understand or else he would never get it.
I would say little remarks here and there to be catty but he never got it until I HAD to tell him straight up.
So my advice..be CLEAR on your feelings as you have the right to feel this way.
Your emotions will run through you to the point that venting will be necessary.
Hopefully you will go to your spouse because that is the person who needs to hear you. Not your friend or your dog (sometimes lol), the problem has to be dealt with your spouse so it can be resolved.
Also, try not to blame your spouse by saying “you did this to me” but more of “I feel like this when” so that they don’t feel like they are to blame and it could potentially lead to more communication problems.
I also considered his point of view on how he would have to be the middle person in all of this…
So yes it can be difficult and most times overwhelming!… but then I learned that you will learn so much about yourself, in a good or bad way depending on your personality.
My Pro’s and Con’s of Having In-laws Living with Us
So this is my list of pros and cons of having in laws living with me as they have moved into our home. Some of these pros and cons may be a con or pro for you… so you can decide… I wanted to give you a summary of what it’s like for me..
Pros
- Grandparents can watch your kids.
- Someone can help you with cleaning the house or do errands.
- You get to learn new customs from a different culture (ex. A second language, cooking recipes, religion, etc. )
- There is always food cooked during lunch or dinner.
- Family is always there to provide company.
- Your kids are able to be raised with family.
Cons
- There is a lack of privacy. Will always be.
- Your habits vs their habits of living in a household could be different.
- Expenses can be high if they don’t provide income. (ex. Health insurance for elderly, monthly food expenses etc.)
- Not being able to leave the house whenever you want (if they don’t have a car or can’t drive, or want to know where you’re going) My in-laws didn’t have a car so I had to drive to their doctor appointments in the middle of my daughters nap time.
- Noise tolerance (ex. Television especially when children are sleeping)
- Sometimes explaining what you are doing in your own home can be problematic.
So as you can see, maybe some of these pros and cons could resonate with you.
I will say that I’m very thankful to have a husband who has been very understanding about my emotions.
Because BABAAAYY our first year with Luna and in-laws was SUPER challenging for me and overwhelming.
So what did I learn having in-laws live with me?
In the beginning, I didn’t know what kind of toll this was going to be since so many things were happening to me at once: having a baby, postpartum anxiety, learning to be a new mom and handling new family members in the house.
There were so many things that I’ve learned about myself in this journey of living with family.
The biggest thing I learned was that I had to SPEAK UP MORE and communicate my feelings.
Your feelings are valid.
I know as a new mom and handling family members, you might try to let things slide so that everyone can be cordial, BUT that only leads to more frustration and resentment towards your partner and yourself.
I’ve always had this problem of speaking up since I was young and I started to be more open minded as to why I was going through this difficult season.
And I truly believe things happen for a reason.
I’ve always wanted to speak up more for myself and found out that this situation was a PERFECT storm in disguise.
I had to face my issue of speaking up head on and I’m so grateful that I’ve been able to improve on it!
It was so hard for me to tell his parents “no” in certain situations so that I didn’t hurt their feelings and not telling my husband things because I wanted to reduce conflict.
But soon I realized my feelings ARE valid too.
So if you are in this kind of situation, I say you MUST speak up and have your voice heard too. Yes be respectful to family members and your partner, but you will feel a whole lot better when people know where you stand.
Living with family members in a cordial environment takes time, in the beginning both parties are trying to figure out each others roles.
I also think it takes effort on both ends so you can meet in the middle. I feel like now since we are more acquainted with each other and understand how to do things around the house and communicate, its been so much better.
Do you live with family members? Did your in-laws come live with you recently? How is it going?
